Notice: Scheduled Maintenance of the Hallway Runner

Midnight Zoomies Logistics wishes to inform customers and staff that the Hallway Runner, our principal delivery route, will undergo scheduled maintenance this Sunday. We apologise for any inconvenience and thank you for your understanding.

What is happening

The Hallway Runner is a long rug that stretches from the front door to the kitchen. Over the years it has become rumpled, bunched and slightly frayed at one end. It will be straightened, brushed and gently smoothed by a human with a frown.

Why this matters

A rumpled runner is a hazard. Couriers who travel at speed can catch a paw in a fold and be sent tumbling into the wall. Such events slow the delivery schedule and offend the dignity of the courier.

Impact on services

During the maintenance period, the following changes will apply:

• Same Night Delivery will be redirected via the dining room
• Express parcels will be delayed by up to six minutes
• Premium parcels will be carried over the sofa, which is not recommended
• All deliveries to the front door will be paused while the human is vacuuming

The ceremony

At the end of the maintenance, a short ceremony will take place. Sergeant Tumble will walk the length of the runner, slowly and with great solemnity, to confirm that it is fit for use. She will then run it at full speed, which is considered a formal approval.

Alternative routes

Customers are invited to consider the following alternatives:

• The windowsill route, suitable for small items
• The bookshelf route, suitable for items that can climb
• The stairs, not recommended

Safety reminder

All staff are asked to avoid the runner while it is being brushed. A courier who runs across a freshly smoothed rug leaves marks, and the human will notice, and the human will blame the dog, who has no part in this and will be very upset.

Closing remarks

We are grateful to the Hallway Runner for its long service, and we look forward to many more years of slides, skids and dramatic arrivals. Normal service will resume on Monday at approximately 3 AM.

Head of Fleet Noodle