The following extract is taken from Section Nine of the Midnight Zoomies Logistics Employee Handbook, which is kept in a drawer and has been used mainly as a bed.
Background
Our couriers work at night so that they may carry out deliveries without interference. Occasionally, however, a human is awake. The human may be getting a glass of water, visiting the bathroom or sitting in the dark with a phone. In these cases, couriers should follow the procedure below.
Step one: freeze
Stop moving immediately. A frozen courier is an invisible courier, or at least that is what we tell new recruits. Hold your position, and keep one paw raised if it was raised at the time. A raised paw suggests deliberate thought.
Step two: assess
Look at the human. Determine whether she is angry, tired or merely confused. An angry human has narrowed eyes. A tired human has no eyes at all. A confused human will say “Is that you?”, to which no answer is required.
Step three: respond
There are several approved responses:
- The innocent blink, appropriate when you have done nothing
- The casual stroll, appropriate when you have done something
- The sudden flop, appropriate when you have done a great deal
- The loud meow, appropriate when you would like breakfast, which is always
Step four: resume
Once the human has gone back to bed, wait three minutes. Then resume your delivery with extra enthusiasm, to make up for lost time. Do not run directly past the bedroom door. Run around the long way, via the bath.
Step five: reflect
At the end of the shift, think about what happened. Did the human see you? Did she understand? Did she say a word you did not recognise? All of this information is valuable and should be shared with Sergeant Tumble, who will not listen.
A note on morale
We understand that being observed can be unsettling. Remember that you are a professional, and that professionals are rarely embarrassed. If you are embarrassed, hide under the sofa until it passes, which it will, at around dawn.
Thank you for your hard work.
