Midnight Zoomies Logistics

Category: Service Updates

  • Notice: Scheduled Maintenance of the Hallway Runner

    Notice: Scheduled Maintenance of the Hallway Runner

    Midnight Zoomies Logistics wishes to inform customers and staff that the Hallway Runner, our principal delivery route, will undergo scheduled maintenance this Sunday. We apologise for any inconvenience and thank you for your understanding.

    What is happening

    The Hallway Runner is a long rug that stretches from the front door to the kitchen. Over the years it has become rumpled, bunched and slightly frayed at one end. It will be straightened, brushed and gently smoothed by a human with a frown.

    Why this matters

    A rumpled runner is a hazard. Couriers who travel at speed can catch a paw in a fold and be sent tumbling into the wall. Such events slow the delivery schedule and offend the dignity of the courier.

    Impact on services

    During the maintenance period, the following changes will apply:

    • Same Night Delivery will be redirected via the dining room
    • Express parcels will be delayed by up to six minutes
    • Premium parcels will be carried over the sofa, which is not recommended
    • All deliveries to the front door will be paused while the human is vacuuming

    The ceremony

    At the end of the maintenance, a short ceremony will take place. Sergeant Tumble will walk the length of the runner, slowly and with great solemnity, to confirm that it is fit for use. She will then run it at full speed, which is considered a formal approval.

    Alternative routes

    Customers are invited to consider the following alternatives:

    • The windowsill route, suitable for small items
    • The bookshelf route, suitable for items that can climb
    • The stairs, not recommended

    Safety reminder

    All staff are asked to avoid the runner while it is being brushed. A courier who runs across a freshly smoothed rug leaves marks, and the human will notice, and the human will blame the dog, who has no part in this and will be very upset.

    Closing remarks

    We are grateful to the Hallway Runner for its long service, and we look forward to many more years of slides, skids and dramatic arrivals. Normal service will resume on Monday at approximately 3 AM.

    Head of Fleet Noodle

  • Introducing Same Night Delivery: Your Parcel Arrives Before You Wake and After You Care

    Introducing Same Night Delivery: Your Parcel Arrives Before You Wake and After You Care

    Midnight Zoomies Logistics is delighted to announce Same Night Delivery, the fastest and loudest service in our history. If your parcel has been entrusted to us before sunset, it will be moved, rearranged and finally deposited somewhere in your home before the sun comes up.

    How it works

    At around 3 AM, Sergeant Tumble experiences what we describe as a “dispatch event”. Her eyes widen, her tail puffs and she leaves the sofa at speed. The parcel is picked up in her mouth, in her paws or occasionally on her head, and is carried through the hallway at the maximum velocity a cat can attain without hitting a wall.

    Service levels

    We offer three tiers of Same Night Delivery:

    • Standard: your parcel is moved to the next room and abandoned
    • Express: your parcel is moved to the stairs and thrown down them
    • Premium: your parcel is moved to a place of Tumble’s choosing, which is usually under the bed

    What you can expect

    Delivery windows are flexible. We guarantee delivery between midnight and dawn, with a high likelihood of delivery at exactly 3.07 AM. The courier will announce her arrival with a sustained yowl, which is included in the price.

    Tracking

    Customers can follow their parcel by listening. A sudden thud indicates the parcel has been picked up. A long scraping noise indicates it is in transit. A crash from the kitchen suggests that it has arrived, along with other items it was not carrying.

    A note on handling

    Our staff handle every parcel with care. Fragile items are carried gently and then dropped from a height of no more than a metre, which we regard as a courtesy. Heavy items are pushed. Very heavy items are looked at, and a decision is made in the morning.

    Pricing

    Same Night Delivery costs one small treat per parcel, payable on receipt, or in advance if the customer wishes to guarantee that Sergeant Tumble will not sit on the invoice.

    In summary

    If you need it there tonight, we can have it there tonight. It might not be where you wanted it. It will certainly be somewhere.