Midnight Zoomies Logistics

Tag: fleet

  • Notice: Scheduled Maintenance of the Hallway Runner

    Notice: Scheduled Maintenance of the Hallway Runner

    Midnight Zoomies Logistics wishes to inform customers and staff that the Hallway Runner, our principal delivery route, will undergo scheduled maintenance this Sunday. We apologise for any inconvenience and thank you for your understanding.

    What is happening

    The Hallway Runner is a long rug that stretches from the front door to the kitchen. Over the years it has become rumpled, bunched and slightly frayed at one end. It will be straightened, brushed and gently smoothed by a human with a frown.

    Why this matters

    A rumpled runner is a hazard. Couriers who travel at speed can catch a paw in a fold and be sent tumbling into the wall. Such events slow the delivery schedule and offend the dignity of the courier.

    Impact on services

    During the maintenance period, the following changes will apply:

    • Same Night Delivery will be redirected via the dining room
    • Express parcels will be delayed by up to six minutes
    • Premium parcels will be carried over the sofa, which is not recommended
    • All deliveries to the front door will be paused while the human is vacuuming

    The ceremony

    At the end of the maintenance, a short ceremony will take place. Sergeant Tumble will walk the length of the runner, slowly and with great solemnity, to confirm that it is fit for use. She will then run it at full speed, which is considered a formal approval.

    Alternative routes

    Customers are invited to consider the following alternatives:

    • The windowsill route, suitable for small items
    • The bookshelf route, suitable for items that can climb
    • The stairs, not recommended

    Safety reminder

    All staff are asked to avoid the runner while it is being brushed. A courier who runs across a freshly smoothed rug leaves marks, and the human will notice, and the human will blame the dog, who has no part in this and will be very upset.

    Closing remarks

    We are grateful to the Hallway Runner for its long service, and we look forward to many more years of slides, skids and dramatic arrivals. Normal service will resume on Monday at approximately 3 AM.

    Head of Fleet Noodle

  • Press Release: Midnight Zoomies Logistics Acquires Second Laundry Basket

    Press Release: Midnight Zoomies Logistics Acquires Second Laundry Basket

    FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

    Midnight Zoomies Logistics is delighted to announce the acquisition of a second laundry basket, bringing the total size of its fleet to two vehicles. The purchase marks a significant step in the company’s growth and is expected to improve capacity by roughly one hundred percent.

    A new era

    The new basket was acquired in a quiet transaction in the bathroom, where it had been abandoned beside a pile of towels. It is slightly larger than the old basket, and has a lid, which we regard as a premium feature. Sergeant Tumble inspected it for twelve minutes before climbing in and refusing to leave.

    What it means for customers

    With two vehicles, the company can now deliver to two locations at once. In practice, this means that parcels will be taken to the kitchen and the bedroom simultaneously, though the second basket will probably remain in the hallway while the courier takes a nap.

    Features of the new vehicle

    • Capacity: up to three medium parcels or one cat
    • Suspension: soft, owing to a damp towel
    • Navigation: by sound, smell and habit
    • Top speed: determined by how hard you push
    • Special feature: a hole in the side, from which Parcel can see the world

    Comments from leadership

    “This is a bold move,” said Sergeant Tumble, in a statement delivered by staring at a wall. “We have always believed that the future of logistics lies in wicker. With a second basket, we are poised to take on any parcel, so long as it is light and not fragile.”

    Head of Fleet Noodle added, “I have been dreaming of this day for years. I intend to name the new basket Gerald. Or Brenda. I have not yet decided.”

    Looking ahead

    The company intends to continue its expansion with further purchases, including a small tin and a shoe. Analysts predict strong growth in the shoe sector, where there is already considerable demand.

    About Midnight Zoomies Logistics

    Midnight Zoomies Logistics is a fictional courier company serving a home near you. It delivers at 3 AM because that is when its staff are awake.

  • A Guide to Hallway Navigation at Speed

    A Guide to Hallway Navigation at Speed

    The hallway is the main artery of our network, and every courier should master it. At Midnight Zoomies Logistics we train all new recruits in the following techniques, many of which have been tested at high speed and at some cost to the furniture.

    Preparation

    Before you begin your run, check the floor surface. Wood is fast, tiles are faster and a rug is a trap. A rug that bunches at the edge will send you tumbling, and a tumbling courier is a courier with a damaged reputation.

    The start

    Begin from a crouch. Wiggle your hindquarters, which helps to align your wheels. Look at your destination. Narrow your eyes. At the moment of release, push off with both back legs and do not look back.

    Cornering

    Corners are the most dangerous part of any route. Approach them at an angle, lean into the turn and allow your back end to swing out. This is known as “the drift”, and it is the mark of an experienced courier. Be prepared to hit the skirting board.

    Braking

    There are three braking methods:

    • The paw dig, which scratches the floor and the owner’s patience
    • The slide, which carries you a further two metres and into a wall
    • The collapse, in which you simply flop and become a heap

    Sergeant Tumble prefers the collapse because it looks intentional.

    Obstacles

    Common hazards include shoes, bags, a wandering human and the second cat. The second cat is the most difficult obstacle because it moves unpredictably and has opinions. If you encounter the second cat, either leap over it or pretend that you have always intended to stop.

    Arrival

    On reaching your destination, you should look around with an air of calm, as though the trip had been easy. Sit down, lick a paw and make no reference to the noise. If a human appears at the top of the stairs and says “What on earth was that?”, say nothing and look at the ceiling.

    Final advice

    Practice makes perfect. The more often you run the hallway, the better you will become at it, and the more often the humans will complain. We regard both as measures of success.

  • Depot Memo: Please Stop Using the Stairs as a Sorting Facility

    Depot Memo: Please Stop Using the Stairs as a Sorting Facility

    From: Head of Fleet Noodle

    To: All couriers, drivers and Parcel

    Subject: The staircase

    Colleagues, over the last month, the main staircase has become increasingly crowded with parcels, toys, socks and one small potato. I realise that the stairs are a natural place to pause, but I must now insist that they are not used for sorting.

    The problem

    The staircase is a thoroughfare. It is used by the humans, by the other cats and by the occasional dog who sleeps in the lounge. When a parcel is left on the third step, it creates a hazard. When two parcels are left on the third step, it creates a debate. When there are eleven parcels, it creates a human falling down the stairs, which I regard as a serious service failure.

    What has been happening

    • Parcels left on the stairs overnight by couriers who intended to return
    • Parcels pushed down the stairs to see what happens
    • Parcels pushed up the stairs, which takes much longer and draws a crowd
    • One parcel that has been there since Tuesday and has started to feel like a resident

    New rules

    Effective this week, all parcels must be delivered to the correct location in one trip. The stairs are for passing through, not for resting, and they are certainly not for dramatic pauses. Couriers who need to stop must do so in the hallway, where a cushion has been provided.

    Fleet update

    I would also like to remind staff that our fleet consists of one laundry basket, one shoebox and a bag. These vehicles are valuable. Please do not tip them over on the way down.

    Disciplinary measures

    First offence: a stern look from Sergeant Tumble. Second offence: two stern looks. Third offence: a long and painful silence, followed by being ignored at dinner.

    Final word

    Our customers trust us to move their goods with speed and dignity. The stairs are not dignified. Please act accordingly.

    Noodle