Midnight Zoomies Logistics

Tag: hallway

  • Employee Handbook Extract: What To Do When the Human Is Awake at 3 AM

    Employee Handbook Extract: What To Do When the Human Is Awake at 3 AM

    The following extract is taken from Section Nine of the Midnight Zoomies Logistics Employee Handbook, which is kept in a drawer and has been used mainly as a bed.

    Background

    Our couriers work at night so that they may carry out deliveries without interference. Occasionally, however, a human is awake. The human may be getting a glass of water, visiting the bathroom or sitting in the dark with a phone. In these cases, couriers should follow the procedure below.

    Step one: freeze

    Stop moving immediately. A frozen courier is an invisible courier, or at least that is what we tell new recruits. Hold your position, and keep one paw raised if it was raised at the time. A raised paw suggests deliberate thought.

    Step two: assess

    Look at the human. Determine whether she is angry, tired or merely confused. An angry human has narrowed eyes. A tired human has no eyes at all. A confused human will say “Is that you?”, to which no answer is required.

    Step three: respond

    There are several approved responses:

    • The innocent blink, appropriate when you have done nothing
    • The casual stroll, appropriate when you have done something
    • The sudden flop, appropriate when you have done a great deal
    • The loud meow, appropriate when you would like breakfast, which is always

    Step four: resume

    Once the human has gone back to bed, wait three minutes. Then resume your delivery with extra enthusiasm, to make up for lost time. Do not run directly past the bedroom door. Run around the long way, via the bath.

    Step five: reflect

    At the end of the shift, think about what happened. Did the human see you? Did she understand? Did she say a word you did not recognise? All of this information is valuable and should be shared with Sergeant Tumble, who will not listen.

    A note on morale

    We understand that being observed can be unsettling. Remember that you are a professional, and that professionals are rarely embarrassed. If you are embarrassed, hide under the sofa until it passes, which it will, at around dawn.

    Thank you for your hard work.

  • Notice: Scheduled Maintenance of the Hallway Runner

    Notice: Scheduled Maintenance of the Hallway Runner

    Midnight Zoomies Logistics wishes to inform customers and staff that the Hallway Runner, our principal delivery route, will undergo scheduled maintenance this Sunday. We apologise for any inconvenience and thank you for your understanding.

    What is happening

    The Hallway Runner is a long rug that stretches from the front door to the kitchen. Over the years it has become rumpled, bunched and slightly frayed at one end. It will be straightened, brushed and gently smoothed by a human with a frown.

    Why this matters

    A rumpled runner is a hazard. Couriers who travel at speed can catch a paw in a fold and be sent tumbling into the wall. Such events slow the delivery schedule and offend the dignity of the courier.

    Impact on services

    During the maintenance period, the following changes will apply:

    • Same Night Delivery will be redirected via the dining room
    • Express parcels will be delayed by up to six minutes
    • Premium parcels will be carried over the sofa, which is not recommended
    • All deliveries to the front door will be paused while the human is vacuuming

    The ceremony

    At the end of the maintenance, a short ceremony will take place. Sergeant Tumble will walk the length of the runner, slowly and with great solemnity, to confirm that it is fit for use. She will then run it at full speed, which is considered a formal approval.

    Alternative routes

    Customers are invited to consider the following alternatives:

    • The windowsill route, suitable for small items
    • The bookshelf route, suitable for items that can climb
    • The stairs, not recommended

    Safety reminder

    All staff are asked to avoid the runner while it is being brushed. A courier who runs across a freshly smoothed rug leaves marks, and the human will notice, and the human will blame the dog, who has no part in this and will be very upset.

    Closing remarks

    We are grateful to the Hallway Runner for its long service, and we look forward to many more years of slides, skids and dramatic arrivals. Normal service will resume on Monday at approximately 3 AM.

    Head of Fleet Noodle

  • Press Release: Midnight Zoomies Logistics Acquires Second Laundry Basket

    Press Release: Midnight Zoomies Logistics Acquires Second Laundry Basket

    FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

    Midnight Zoomies Logistics is delighted to announce the acquisition of a second laundry basket, bringing the total size of its fleet to two vehicles. The purchase marks a significant step in the company’s growth and is expected to improve capacity by roughly one hundred percent.

    A new era

    The new basket was acquired in a quiet transaction in the bathroom, where it had been abandoned beside a pile of towels. It is slightly larger than the old basket, and has a lid, which we regard as a premium feature. Sergeant Tumble inspected it for twelve minutes before climbing in and refusing to leave.

    What it means for customers

    With two vehicles, the company can now deliver to two locations at once. In practice, this means that parcels will be taken to the kitchen and the bedroom simultaneously, though the second basket will probably remain in the hallway while the courier takes a nap.

    Features of the new vehicle

    • Capacity: up to three medium parcels or one cat
    • Suspension: soft, owing to a damp towel
    • Navigation: by sound, smell and habit
    • Top speed: determined by how hard you push
    • Special feature: a hole in the side, from which Parcel can see the world

    Comments from leadership

    “This is a bold move,” said Sergeant Tumble, in a statement delivered by staring at a wall. “We have always believed that the future of logistics lies in wicker. With a second basket, we are poised to take on any parcel, so long as it is light and not fragile.”

    Head of Fleet Noodle added, “I have been dreaming of this day for years. I intend to name the new basket Gerald. Or Brenda. I have not yet decided.”

    Looking ahead

    The company intends to continue its expansion with further purchases, including a small tin and a shoe. Analysts predict strong growth in the shoe sector, where there is already considerable demand.

    About Midnight Zoomies Logistics

    Midnight Zoomies Logistics is a fictional courier company serving a home near you. It delivers at 3 AM because that is when its staff are awake.

  • A Guide to Hallway Navigation at Speed

    A Guide to Hallway Navigation at Speed

    The hallway is the main artery of our network, and every courier should master it. At Midnight Zoomies Logistics we train all new recruits in the following techniques, many of which have been tested at high speed and at some cost to the furniture.

    Preparation

    Before you begin your run, check the floor surface. Wood is fast, tiles are faster and a rug is a trap. A rug that bunches at the edge will send you tumbling, and a tumbling courier is a courier with a damaged reputation.

    The start

    Begin from a crouch. Wiggle your hindquarters, which helps to align your wheels. Look at your destination. Narrow your eyes. At the moment of release, push off with both back legs and do not look back.

    Cornering

    Corners are the most dangerous part of any route. Approach them at an angle, lean into the turn and allow your back end to swing out. This is known as “the drift”, and it is the mark of an experienced courier. Be prepared to hit the skirting board.

    Braking

    There are three braking methods:

    • The paw dig, which scratches the floor and the owner’s patience
    • The slide, which carries you a further two metres and into a wall
    • The collapse, in which you simply flop and become a heap

    Sergeant Tumble prefers the collapse because it looks intentional.

    Obstacles

    Common hazards include shoes, bags, a wandering human and the second cat. The second cat is the most difficult obstacle because it moves unpredictably and has opinions. If you encounter the second cat, either leap over it or pretend that you have always intended to stop.

    Arrival

    On reaching your destination, you should look around with an air of calm, as though the trip had been easy. Sit down, lick a paw and make no reference to the noise. If a human appears at the top of the stairs and says “What on earth was that?”, say nothing and look at the ceiling.

    Final advice

    Practice makes perfect. The more often you run the hallway, the better you will become at it, and the more often the humans will complain. We regard both as measures of success.