The hallway is the main artery of our network, and every courier should master it. At Midnight Zoomies Logistics we train all new recruits in the following techniques, many of which have been tested at high speed and at some cost to the furniture.
Preparation
Before you begin your run, check the floor surface. Wood is fast, tiles are faster and a rug is a trap. A rug that bunches at the edge will send you tumbling, and a tumbling courier is a courier with a damaged reputation.
The start
Begin from a crouch. Wiggle your hindquarters, which helps to align your wheels. Look at your destination. Narrow your eyes. At the moment of release, push off with both back legs and do not look back.
Cornering
Corners are the most dangerous part of any route. Approach them at an angle, lean into the turn and allow your back end to swing out. This is known as “the drift”, and it is the mark of an experienced courier. Be prepared to hit the skirting board.
Braking
There are three braking methods:
- The paw dig, which scratches the floor and the owner’s patience
- The slide, which carries you a further two metres and into a wall
- The collapse, in which you simply flop and become a heap
Sergeant Tumble prefers the collapse because it looks intentional.
Obstacles
Common hazards include shoes, bags, a wandering human and the second cat. The second cat is the most difficult obstacle because it moves unpredictably and has opinions. If you encounter the second cat, either leap over it or pretend that you have always intended to stop.
Arrival
On reaching your destination, you should look around with an air of calm, as though the trip had been easy. Sit down, lick a paw and make no reference to the noise. If a human appears at the top of the stairs and says “What on earth was that?”, say nothing and look at the ceiling.
Final advice
Practice makes perfect. The more often you run the hallway, the better you will become at it, and the more often the humans will complain. We regard both as measures of success.
Leave a Reply