Midnight Zoomies Logistics

Category: Delivery Guides

Seven Things to Know Before You Hire a Night Courier

Hiring a night courier is a serious decision, and one that should not be taken lightly, unless you are the courier, in which case you should treat everything lightly, including the furniture.

One: they work at their own pace

A night courier will arrive when ready. This may be 2 AM or it may be 4.40 AM. In either case the arrival will be announced by a clattering sound and a brief pause as the courier admires the effect.

Two: they do not use doors

Doors are an obstacle, and a good courier will go through them with a firm shove or a sudden dash. If the door is closed, the courier will stand in front of it and shout. If the door is open, the courier will stand in the doorway and think.

Three: they have preferences

Each courier has favourite routes, favourite hiding places and favourite objects. Sergeant Tumble, for example, has a great fondness for socks, which she delivers to the bedroom at all hours.

Four: they do not tolerate delay

If you are slow to respond, the courier will take matters into her own paws. This may include knocking an item off the table, pulling a cord or sitting on your chest until you rise.

Five: they require refreshment

A good courier needs to eat. Please leave out a small saucer of food near the delivery zone. If you do not, the courier will help herself to whatever is in the bin.

Six: they are very thorough

Once a courier has made a delivery, she will check it carefully, sniffing each corner and testing each edge. She may then bat the parcel across the floor to test its durability. A parcel that survives is a parcel that deserves to be kept.

Seven: they are loyal

Despite the noise and the mess, a night courier is devoted to her work. She will deliver to you faithfully until the day she stops, and on that day she will sit on your lap and purr, and you will forgive her everything.

Conclusion

If you are ready for the adventure, contact our team. If you are not, you may wish to hire a day courier, though we cannot recommend one, as they are all asleep.

October 3, 2026
Case Study: The Great Spare Room Backlog
The situation

In March, following a weekend of heavy rain, the courier team found itself with a backlog. The spare room was filled with parcels, boxes and other items that had gathered over several weeks. By Monday morning, there were sixty parcels in the room and no sign of a plan.

Initial response

Sergeant Tumble convened a meeting at 3 AM, as is traditional. The meeting lasted nine seconds, during which she looked at the parcels, then at the door, and then at Noodle. Noodle said, “That’s a lot of parcels.” The meeting was adjourned.

Phase one: assessment

The team first attempted to sort the parcels by size. This lasted about four minutes, until a small cat named Biscuit climbed into the smallest box and fell asleep. The team then attempted to sort by colour, but a dispute arose over whether brown is a colour.

Phase two: delivery

In the second phase, couriers took parcels one by one from the room and placed them in other rooms. Over the course of the night, this resulted in the following:
- Eleven parcels in the kitchen
- Nine in the hallway
- Fourteen on the stairs
- Three in the bath
- Twenty three under the bed
Phase three: review

By dawn, the spare room was empty and the rest of the house was full. The human woke, walked downstairs and was met by a wall of boxes. She said a word that we shall not repeat. She then sat down on a box and laughed.

Outcome

The backlog was cleared in a single night, with only minor damage to a lamp, a plant and the dignity of the sofa. Customer satisfaction was reported as “mixed”, but the delivery rate was excellent.

Lessons learned

First, a backlog is a state of mind. Second, a parcel moved is a parcel delivered, regardless of where. Third, the spare room is best left as a place of mystery.

We thank our staff for their hard work and our customers for their patience, which they showed by sleeping through it.
September 27, 2026
Frequently Asked Questions About Overnight Delivery
Why do you deliver at 3 AM?

Because that is when we are awake. At around 3 AM, a mysterious energy overtakes our couriers and they must run. We have attempted to schedule deliveries for the afternoon, but the couriers sleep through them.

Can I choose a different time?

You may choose any time you like, and we will note it. We will then deliver at 3 AM anyway. Your choice has been recorded in a folder, and the folder has been sat upon.

Will the delivery wake me up?

Almost certainly. Delivery is accompanied by a thump, a crash and a loud proud meow. If you are a light sleeper, we recommend earplugs. If you are a deep sleeper, we recommend a better alarm clock.

What if I am not home?

We still deliver. The parcel will be left inside your home, in a spot that we consider safe. We have a high success rate, and our only complaint is that people tend to lock the doors, which is inconvenient.

What can you carry?
- Small parcels: yes
- Medium parcels: with encouragement
- Large parcels: only if dragged
- Parcels containing treats: immediately and with enthusiasm
- Parcels containing a vase: please speak to our insurance team, who are asleep
What if my parcel is damaged?

Please inspect your parcel on arrival. If it is dented, scratched or bitten, report it to our customer team. They will look at the damage and say “That seems fine”.

Do you offer signed for delivery?

We offer paw signed delivery. The courier will place a single paw on the delivery note, leaving a faint print. This is accepted as proof in most places in the home.

Can I track my parcel?

Yes. Stand in the hallway at 3 AM and listen. If you can hear a thundering noise, your parcel is on its way.

Thank you for choosing Midnight Zoomies Logistics.
September 21, 2026
A Guide to Hallway Navigation at Speed
The hallway is the main artery of our network, and every courier should master it. At Midnight Zoomies Logistics we train all new recruits in the following techniques, many of which have been tested at high speed and at some cost to the furniture.

Preparation

Before you begin your run, check the floor surface. Wood is fast, tiles are faster and a rug is a trap. A rug that bunches at the edge will send you tumbling, and a tumbling courier is a courier with a damaged reputation.

The start

Begin from a crouch. Wiggle your hindquarters, which helps to align your wheels. Look at your destination. Narrow your eyes. At the moment of release, push off with both back legs and do not look back.

Cornering

Corners are the most dangerous part of any route. Approach them at an angle, lean into the turn and allow your back end to swing out. This is known as “the drift”, and it is the mark of an experienced courier. Be prepared to hit the skirting board.

Braking

There are three braking methods:
- The paw dig, which scratches the floor and the owner’s patience
- The slide, which carries you a further two metres and into a wall
- The collapse, in which you simply flop and become a heap
Sergeant Tumble prefers the collapse because it looks intentional.

Obstacles

Common hazards include shoes, bags, a wandering human and the second cat. The second cat is the most difficult obstacle because it moves unpredictably and has opinions. If you encounter the second cat, either leap over it or pretend that you have always intended to stop.

Arrival

On reaching your destination, you should look around with an air of calm, as though the trip had been easy. Sit down, lick a paw and make no reference to the noise. If a human appears at the top of the stairs and says “What on earth was that?”, say nothing and look at the ceiling.

Final advice

Practice makes perfect. The more often you run the hallway, the better you will become at it, and the more often the humans will complain. We regard both as measures of success.
September 4, 2026