Midnight Zoomies Logistics

Tag: zoomies

  • Seven Things to Know Before You Hire a Night Courier

    Seven Things to Know Before You Hire a Night Courier

    Hiring a night courier is a serious decision, and one that should not be taken lightly, unless you are the courier, in which case you should treat everything lightly, including the furniture.

    One: they work at their own pace

    A night courier will arrive when ready. This may be 2 AM or it may be 4.40 AM. In either case the arrival will be announced by a clattering sound and a brief pause as the courier admires the effect.

    Two: they do not use doors

    Doors are an obstacle, and a good courier will go through them with a firm shove or a sudden dash. If the door is closed, the courier will stand in front of it and shout. If the door is open, the courier will stand in the doorway and think.

    Three: they have preferences

    Each courier has favourite routes, favourite hiding places and favourite objects. Sergeant Tumble, for example, has a great fondness for socks, which she delivers to the bedroom at all hours.

    Four: they do not tolerate delay

    If you are slow to respond, the courier will take matters into her own paws. This may include knocking an item off the table, pulling a cord or sitting on your chest until you rise.

    Five: they require refreshment

    A good courier needs to eat. Please leave out a small saucer of food near the delivery zone. If you do not, the courier will help herself to whatever is in the bin.

    Six: they are very thorough

    Once a courier has made a delivery, she will check it carefully, sniffing each corner and testing each edge. She may then bat the parcel across the floor to test its durability. A parcel that survives is a parcel that deserves to be kept.

    Seven: they are loyal

    Despite the noise and the mess, a night courier is devoted to her work. She will deliver to you faithfully until the day she stops, and on that day she will sit on your lap and purr, and you will forgive her everything.

    Conclusion

    If you are ready for the adventure, contact our team. If you are not, you may wish to hire a day courier, though we cannot recommend one, as they are all asleep.

  • A Guide to Hallway Navigation at Speed

    A Guide to Hallway Navigation at Speed

    The hallway is the main artery of our network, and every courier should master it. At Midnight Zoomies Logistics we train all new recruits in the following techniques, many of which have been tested at high speed and at some cost to the furniture.

    Preparation

    Before you begin your run, check the floor surface. Wood is fast, tiles are faster and a rug is a trap. A rug that bunches at the edge will send you tumbling, and a tumbling courier is a courier with a damaged reputation.

    The start

    Begin from a crouch. Wiggle your hindquarters, which helps to align your wheels. Look at your destination. Narrow your eyes. At the moment of release, push off with both back legs and do not look back.

    Cornering

    Corners are the most dangerous part of any route. Approach them at an angle, lean into the turn and allow your back end to swing out. This is known as “the drift”, and it is the mark of an experienced courier. Be prepared to hit the skirting board.

    Braking

    There are three braking methods:

    • The paw dig, which scratches the floor and the owner’s patience
    • The slide, which carries you a further two metres and into a wall
    • The collapse, in which you simply flop and become a heap

    Sergeant Tumble prefers the collapse because it looks intentional.

    Obstacles

    Common hazards include shoes, bags, a wandering human and the second cat. The second cat is the most difficult obstacle because it moves unpredictably and has opinions. If you encounter the second cat, either leap over it or pretend that you have always intended to stop.

    Arrival

    On reaching your destination, you should look around with an air of calm, as though the trip had been easy. Sit down, lick a paw and make no reference to the noise. If a human appears at the top of the stairs and says “What on earth was that?”, say nothing and look at the ceiling.

    Final advice

    Practice makes perfect. The more often you run the hallway, the better you will become at it, and the more often the humans will complain. We regard both as measures of success.

  • Introducing Same Night Delivery: Your Parcel Arrives Before You Wake and After You Care

    Introducing Same Night Delivery: Your Parcel Arrives Before You Wake and After You Care

    Midnight Zoomies Logistics is delighted to announce Same Night Delivery, the fastest and loudest service in our history. If your parcel has been entrusted to us before sunset, it will be moved, rearranged and finally deposited somewhere in your home before the sun comes up.

    How it works

    At around 3 AM, Sergeant Tumble experiences what we describe as a “dispatch event”. Her eyes widen, her tail puffs and she leaves the sofa at speed. The parcel is picked up in her mouth, in her paws or occasionally on her head, and is carried through the hallway at the maximum velocity a cat can attain without hitting a wall.

    Service levels

    We offer three tiers of Same Night Delivery:

    • Standard: your parcel is moved to the next room and abandoned
    • Express: your parcel is moved to the stairs and thrown down them
    • Premium: your parcel is moved to a place of Tumble’s choosing, which is usually under the bed

    What you can expect

    Delivery windows are flexible. We guarantee delivery between midnight and dawn, with a high likelihood of delivery at exactly 3.07 AM. The courier will announce her arrival with a sustained yowl, which is included in the price.

    Tracking

    Customers can follow their parcel by listening. A sudden thud indicates the parcel has been picked up. A long scraping noise indicates it is in transit. A crash from the kitchen suggests that it has arrived, along with other items it was not carrying.

    A note on handling

    Our staff handle every parcel with care. Fragile items are carried gently and then dropped from a height of no more than a metre, which we regard as a courtesy. Heavy items are pushed. Very heavy items are looked at, and a decision is made in the morning.

    Pricing

    Same Night Delivery costs one small treat per parcel, payable on receipt, or in advance if the customer wishes to guarantee that Sergeant Tumble will not sit on the invoice.

    In summary

    If you need it there tonight, we can have it there tonight. It might not be where you wanted it. It will certainly be somewhere.