This month’s letter comes from a customer who prefers to remain anonymous but is known to us as Mr Barnaby of Elm Close, a fictional place.
Dear Midnight Zoomies Logistics. I ordered a parcel last Wednesday, and your courier collected it on Thursday. It has not arrived. I would like to know where it is.
Our response
Dear Mr Barnaby,
Thank you for your enquiry. We understand that waiting for a parcel can be anxious. We are pleased to report that your parcel has been located.
Where it is
We can confirm that your parcel is currently under the sofa in your own living room. It was delivered on Thursday at 3.12 AM and pushed to the back of the space by Sergeant Tumble, who judged it to be “safe”. She then fell asleep on top of the sofa, and no one has checked since.
Why it was not reported
Our tracking system updates only when a courier walks across the keyboard. On Thursday night no courier did so, and the parcel therefore appears in our records as “in motion”, which is accurate in the sense that it moved about two metres.
Steps we are taking
- We will send a courier to nudge the parcel back into view
- We will ask Sergeant Tumble to confirm the delivery
- We will apologise in the form of a long and thoughtful stare
- We will add a note to your file reading “Look under the sofa first”
Our commitment
Midnight Zoomies Logistics takes missing parcels very seriously, though our idea of missing is flexible. A parcel under a sofa is not lost. It is merely resting.
Compensation
As a gesture of goodwill, we have placed a small sock outside your door. We hope you enjoy it. If you are not satisfied, you may return the sock and we will place it somewhere else.
Yours in transit,
Head of Fleet Noodle