From: Head of Fleet Noodle
To: All couriers, drivers and Parcel
Subject: The staircase
Colleagues, over the last month, the main staircase has become increasingly crowded with parcels, toys, socks and one small potato. I realise that the stairs are a natural place to pause, but I must now insist that they are not used for sorting.
The problem
The staircase is a thoroughfare. It is used by the humans, by the other cats and by the occasional dog who sleeps in the lounge. When a parcel is left on the third step, it creates a hazard. When two parcels are left on the third step, it creates a debate. When there are eleven parcels, it creates a human falling down the stairs, which I regard as a serious service failure.
What has been happening
- Parcels left on the stairs overnight by couriers who intended to return
- Parcels pushed down the stairs to see what happens
- Parcels pushed up the stairs, which takes much longer and draws a crowd
- One parcel that has been there since Tuesday and has started to feel like a resident
New rules
Effective this week, all parcels must be delivered to the correct location in one trip. The stairs are for passing through, not for resting, and they are certainly not for dramatic pauses. Couriers who need to stop must do so in the hallway, where a cushion has been provided.
Fleet update
I would also like to remind staff that our fleet consists of one laundry basket, one shoebox and a bag. These vehicles are valuable. Please do not tip them over on the way down.
Disciplinary measures
First offence: a stern look from Sergeant Tumble. Second offence: two stern looks. Third offence: a long and painful silence, followed by being ignored at dinner.
Final word
Our customers trust us to move their goods with speed and dignity. The stairs are not dignified. Please act accordingly.
Noodle